Meanwhile In the Himalayas
by MadeElly
Summary: The Torchwood team, stuck in the Himalayas, is finding it hard to cope with things without Jack around. Crack!Fic


_**Meanwhile In the Himalayas...**_

**Disclaimer: **I don't own it. Inspired by SarcasticFox's awesome picture.

**Warnings:** Total crack. Just so you know. All dialogue.

**Summary: **The Torchwood team, stuck in the Himalayas, is finding it hard to cope with things without Jack around.

**Notes: **Reviews are nice, but I'd be scared to get them for this...

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_**Once upon a time, before the year that never was…**_

"Fucking Jack leaving us the fuck alone…where the fuck is he, then? And why the fuck isn't he with us, freezing his ass off like the rest of us!"

"Shut up, Owen, we can't depend on Jack all the time."

"Bollocks to that. I still say we shoulda stayed home and watched EastEnders reruns."

"You hate EastEnders."

"My point exactly, Tosh. But I'd bloody well enjoy not being here right now. Where is Jack when we _need_ him? It's perfectly fine for him to save the world when it's convenient but to save our freezing asses? Not bloody likely."

"Owen, shut the fuck up. Jack is gone and that's it."

"At least you've got something to be happy about, Ms. I-Just Got Engaged."

"That's none of your business!"

"Both of you, shut the hell up! I'm about to fucking kill you."

"God, Tosh, just 'cuz your equipment is broken in this fucking cold doesn't mean you have to play psycho-bitch. Just piss off."

"Fine, maybe I will. Ianto and I will get something productive done and you two can just _rot!_"

"Tosh, just calm down. Yelling at them won't do anything. Let's just focus on getting somewhere warm. Do you want coffee?"

"…I don't even want to know how you keep coffee warm in the Himalayas."

"A true coffee maker never reveals his secrets."

"I want coffee!"

"Go back to bitching, Owen. Ianto didn't make it for you."

"Shut the fuck up, Gwen."

"I have enough for everyone."

"That's bloody well go—!"

"…?"

"Owen?"

"Owen!"

"What happened to him?"

"Wait, did he fall down? Where is he?"

"Let me see if I can at least get my laptop working so I can locate him. Oh, bollocks, there's no service."

"It's the fucking Himalayas!"

"Gwen, shut _up_. Do you want to find Owen or not?"

"Do you guys still want coffee?"

"I say forget Owen."

"Oh, all that unresolved sexual tension…"

"What was that?"

"Nothing."

"No, really, what did you say, Tosh?"

"I said nothing! Leave me alone, I'm trying to find him."

"Hey, guys, I think there's someone who can help us find him."

"Wait a minute…I'm getting _some _readings...he appears to be underneath us."

"So he _did _fall!"

"Yup. Let's go find him."

"I found the hole where he fell. There's a cavern of some sort."

"Oi! Guys! Get me the fuck outta here!"

"That's Owen, alright. A lot more quiet, though, 'cuz of how far down he is. I kind of like that."

"Piss off, Tosh—Ouch! It's fucking _hot _down here!"

"So is that your secret, Ianto?"

"No."

"Huh. Okay, we're sending a rope down."

"Is it going to be long enough?"

"It should be."

"Wait, I have to climb _up _that thing? Do you guys have any idea how far down I am?"

"Yup."

"You're a masochist, Tosh."

"I could say the same for you, Gwen."

"Just send the bloody rope down already! I'm dying in here!"

"Only Owen could get himself stuck in a volcanic pocket underneath the Himalayas."

"You piss off too, Ianto."

"I thought it was funny."

"Are you guys going to stand there all day in chat or are we going to get him out and finish with our mission?"

"Fine. Just let me send the rope down."

"God, we're setting a fine example for how we get along without Jack."

"Gwen, just…shut up."

"What?"

"It's always about Jack. Weren't you the one saying we shouldn't depend on him?"

"Well it _would_ be nice if he were here."

"Whatever. Owen, I'm going to send down the rope now."

"Bloody well time! I think I have third degree burns."

"He's always been a drama queen."

"And you're just a queen, Ianto. So shut up and why don't you help Tosh with getting me out of here? Or else you can come down and join me."

"I'll pass."

"Thought so."

"Can you see the rope, Owen?"

"Yeah."

"Can you grab on to it?"

"Yeah."

"Okay, do so."

"Yes, sir."

"Don't patronize me, I'm saving your ass."

"Whatever."

"Can't you get him out quicker?"

"Would you like to try better, Gwen?"

"And meanwhile, in the Himalayas..."

"We don't need your commentary, Ianto. So Owen, when I count to three, you grab it and Gwen and Ianto will help me pull you up."

"We will?"

"Yes. So okay, one, two—!"

"Oh, shit."

"Jesus fucking Christ! I said pull up on three! We weren't ready yet and now you got us stuck down here too!"

"Ouch, stop hitting me!"

"Wow, it is hot down here. Maybe I can make some tea."

"That's real helpful, Ianto."

"Hey, whatever I can do."

"How are we gonna get out?"

"I dunno, Gwen, maybe call Jack?"

"Shut up, that's not funny. I was serious when I said we can't depend on Jack. And look where it's gotten us!"

"At the Tibetan Underground Spa Resort?"

"Shut up, that's not funny, Ianto."

"No, seriously, look there."

"Holy shit, he's right."

"Wait, that sign says…"

"The Tibetan Underground Spa Resort."

"…What the _fuck?_"

"The Tibetan Underground Spa Resort. Turn left and continue for a mile and a half. Sounds cool."

"It sounds like a fucking death trap."

"Owen, just because you're Spa-phobic…"

"No, Tosh, he's right."

"Thank you, Gwen!"

"That Spas are dangerous?"

"No, but think about it. A spa, in the middle of the Himalayas. Not even that, it's _underneath _the Himalayas. What do you think that's all about?"

"Um. Someone has either a really good rent or a really bad sense of humor?"

"Or, it's a trap."

"My point exactly!

"Shut up, Owen."

"Listen…"

"Yes, Ianto?"

"Well, there's no way we're going to be getting back up, right?"

"…Yeah, I guess."

"And there's _something _down there, which is better than dying of heat asphyxiation over here."

"Uh huh…"

"So why don't we go there and see what we're up against?"

"I guess…"

"Ianto's right. We should go."

"We bloody well shouldn't!"

"We can just leave you here, Owen. You and the steam can bond on a molecular level."

"…Fine. I'll go with you."

"Great. Makes my day."

"Shut up."

"It's weird though…"

"What's weird, Gwen?"

"Well, that call we got. Our equipment was already saying there was something weird going on, but then we got a call from Mr. Saxon's people saying that if there was something going on we had to go fix it. It was all very strange."

"I voted for him."

"Me too."

"Yeah, and me."

"Me too, but still…I can't help but feel like it's a diversion."

"Wow, Gwen, the steam must be getting you high or something."

"A diversion. From what?"

"Something bigger. I don't know. Everything got really weird after Jack left."

"Here we go again…"

"Stuff it, Owen."

"Piss off, Tosh."

"Hey, we're here."

"Wow, Ianto, you were right."

"It's…really pretty…"

"Feel better about being stuck here, Owen?"

"Like hell I am. The last thing I want is a manicure."

"But you'll look _so _pretty."

"Tosh, shut up before…"

"Before what?"

"Just shut up."

"I think a facial would do you much good. And exfoliate and definitely brighten up your complexion."

"Don't be such a poofter, Ianto."

"Don't be a jerk, Owen."

"So, are we going in?"

"Well, Gwen, since you're so gung-ho to be independent, I guess it's your decision."

"Um…well, I do need my cuticles trimmed."

"Jesus, you are such a _girl_."

"So are you, Owen."

"'Least I'm more of a girl than you are, Tosh."

"Would you guys stop bickering, I have to decide!"

"I say we go in."

"You would, you poofter."

"I am going to fucking kill you, Owen."

"Right back atcha, Tosh."

"_Shut up!_"

"Fine."

"Okay."

"No need to go all psycho bitch on us."

"Yeah."

"Great, so now you guys are agreeing? Whatever, let's just go in. We all need to relax."

"Uggghhhh…."

"We're not going to just leave you out here."

"Why not?"

"Yeah, why not?"

"Because we _can't_. Jack wouldn't."

"Oh, great, Jack again."

"Hey, he'd be lucky to be here. I'm excited for the massages."

"I guess…"

"Let's just go in."

"Okay, then."

"Oh, that's pretty…"

"Jack _wishes _he were here."

_**And this is how the Torchwood team stayed safe, much to the Master's chagrin, whilst Jack helped save the world. For a year, the team was pampered and primped and Owen even agreed to get a manicure. The world was truly ending. When time was reversed, each had a sense that there was something missing, and Owen suddenly had the urge to get a facial. **_

_**All were safe and well, and it was happily ever after.**_

_**Until Series Two, that is. **_

_**FINIS**_

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End file.
